Kafka for Breakfast

I had a dental appointment to fill a tooth. My dentist is great, the best I have ever had, and I trust him. Still, I do not like needles, probes and drills inside my mouth. Dr. K has a new assistant named Tina and she asked me if I would like to use nitrous oxide.

“It will help you relax,” she said.

Something ominous that I thought I perceived in her voice caused me to nod and answer yes.

“Just like a couple of cocktails before work,” Dr. K said with a smile.

I was a little worried as Tina adjusted the rubber device over my nose. I had tried nitrous years before and I’d had a strange reaction. The dentist (not Dr. K) had a very well endowed dental assistant. Under the influence of the nitrous oxide, I had an almost overwhelming urge to grab her large breasts and fondle them. Even though I managed to contain my animal lusts, I have remained leery of using nitrous again, until today.

I had no such reaction today with the gas although I did have the strange feeling that Tina was actually Sarah Palin. She does look like Governor Palin and Dr. K. possibly induced this reaction by quizzing me about politics as he prepped me for the drilling. I couldn’t really reply because he had a big hand and several instruments in my mouth. I could only mumble and this was probably a good thing, as you never want to disagree too vehemently with someone that has a needle near your jugular.

Oh yes, Dr. K is computerized now. Rather than taking impressions, Tina waved a probe over my teeth as the female computer voice said things like, “Number twelve, fourteen degrees distal.”

Or some such! Under the influence of the nitrous oxide, none of my senses was working perfectly – well, other than maybe one or two carnal thoughts about Sarah, uh, Tina. I cannot begin to tell you how strange that I felt when she put lip balm on my dry lips, as if she were applying bright red gloss to the pouting face of an aging diva about to go on stage.

Dr. K must have a million dollars worth of American Indian art on his walls and the atmosphere is very pleasant. He also has television screens playing scenes from Cirque de Soleil, an affront to your sanity even if you are not breathing nitrous oxide.

Dr. K finished my temporary crown almost two hours later, prompting me to realize why Tina had highly recommended the nitrous oxide in the first place. The tip of my nose was numb until an hour ago and my upper lip feels as if someone has played a serious game of tug-of-war with it.

I either learned something new today, or else remembered something that I had forgotten. Whichever, it is true that surrealism abounds in the dentist’s office. Said differently, if you want Kafka for breakfast have a cavity filled some morning – and request nitrous.

Louisiana Mystery Writer